• As part of the relaunch of Skullheart, ALL previous threads have been archived. You can find them at the bottom of the forum in the Archives (2021) section. The archives are locked, so please use the new forum sections to create new discussion threads.

Skullgirls Original / Fan Character Thread

Denizen said:
I AM BEYOND DEATH.
images

"I'll get you one of these days, Denizen! One day! Preferably in a few decades. Maybe when you are old and gray. And have lived a happy and fulfilling life. Then I'll get you!"
 
Bucky Barkley said:
I'll get to this later. I have to come back from the dead first, apparently.
All right, I'm back from the dead and I feel...meh?

Now, before I start, I would like remind you, Mister Funkermonster, that you asked me to look and give suggestions on how to help improve your character.
Funkermonster said:
And if its not too much to ask, would you have the time to look at my OCs too and say what could be fixed for improvement? One is on Page 7, the other 2 are on pg 6.
Remember, all I have said about your characters before, as well as here, is to try and give you an idea about what problems currently exist with them and maybe what you should do to fix them. I'm just going to be a little more blunt here. I know that you probably made these charcters for fun, and nothing is less fun that having problems with them thrown into your face. But that is what I'm going to do, so please know this going in. Anyway,

SwaggerDoughnut's comment, while unnecessarily mean, did kinda match my reaction to your reply. NOW HEAR ME OUT!!! I really didn't expect answers for some of those questions. The point of them were to make you say, "Huh, how can I answer those in a way that makes complete sense? I...I'm not sure I can!" The best example is when I said,
Bucky Barkley said:
-The method the Mafia chose to wipe out [Insert name]'s family seems like it would draw a lot of attention. I feel that it would have been easier to just send B. Dhalia to assassinate him and maybe even steal his inventions/research at the same time. Less mess and less fuss.
You replied,
Funkermonster said:
- Sending Black Dahlia's a nice idea, but I wouldn't get to add one of my fave parts if I did it with her instead of Shockbrave! lol
I know you had SB kill them because you wanted to put her in his story. But that's the problem. It's something that doesn't make sense for a good number of reasons.
1. Shockbrave doesn't like killing of ANY kind. You said she saves Vitale, the evil man who threatened her family, and overcomes her fear of guns in order to protect what is generally seen as the embodiment of evil, the Skullheart! So how does it seem logical that she would kill a whole family of INNOCENT people?

2. Why would the mafia give this important job to someone who is working for them against her will? That's just giving her a whole bunch of stuff that she could use to testify against them if she ever got the chance.

3. For this same reason, I could only assume that they would send some one with her to make sure she did her job as instructed and NOT leave any witnesses. But apparently they didn't and, wouldn't you know it, she left a witness!

4. The guy they were targeting was working for the PRINCESS! In this situation, great care needs to be taken, since she would probably be looking into this herself. Forensics could probably deduce that the people were killed with electricity before the house was burned down. And what caused the house fire? Electricity! So how could all of these people die this way? Somebody probably attacked them with some form of electricity. Who could possibly use electricity to kill someone? Shockbrave can. Who would want these people dead. The mafia, obviously, since the dad was developing tech to take them down. Wait, Shockbrave works for the mafia! But how do we pin it on them. Oh wait! Shockbrave could testify against the mafia! And we can confirm that she was indeed the one who killed them because there is a witness as well as a good amount of evidence! Hooray!

The problem with your response is that you took these things that didn't quite add up, and did your best to make them make sense, but in the process, gave us more things that didn't make sense. Such as,
Funkermonster said:
He's only about 15 years old, and lives in a house on his own, secluded deep in a maze-like forest where hardly anyone is ever likely to find it (even he, himself forgets the directions to home).
So then I guess I'll repeat myself. "He gets mail at his Lego Brick house?" If HE gets lost, how could a mailman consistently deliver mail to this house? Your answer just made things a little more confusing. Not to mention the whole, "How did he avoid animals for half a year?" question. You gave a list of ways to scare animals off/avoid them, but what about when he's sleeping? Where did he sleep? This is a hole in your story. And trying to explain how it works instead of fixing it just makes more holes.

And on top of all this, you say he just sneaks in to Medici Tower, takes Vitale by surprise, and beats him to a pulp! *breathes deeply* NO! No, no, no, no, NOOOO! The mafia has tons of enemies! If someone could just sneak in and take out Vitale, they would! But there would be Mafia goons and security everywhere! Especially around Vitale! There is no way he could be attacked in his own office without getting the attention of SOMEONE! Why hire someone to invent new tech to fight them if you can just send a boy in to kill their boss? It just doesn't make sense!

Another thing you said that really, REALLY bothered me was,
Funkermonster said:
He is still attached to his host and makes physical contact with him, just not permanently like everyone else does. I really don't see how it would have to be that way, something like that would be beyond me.
First of all, if everyone else is fused, there's gotta be a reason for it. And secondly, I'm pretty sure Alex said that if parasites were ever separated from their hosts, they would both die. If any of you Lore-Heros out there could share a link confirming this, it would be much appreciated!

Now, I could keep going, but I feel that it would be excessive. The point is, [Insert name]'s character and story have MAJOR problems. The biggest of which is that you are trying WAY too hard to tie him and other characters together. It's just not working here. I said this before, but you really need to make him his own character. At his core, he does have a defined character. He is an orphan who is hunting down the person who ordered to have his family killed. That's a fine character. Now you just need to build from here. Give him and his family some backstory and some interaction. You say he loves them, so have some moments where we see that. It'll make the loss of them have a much bigger impact. Have him get his parasite from somewhere other than an existing SG character. Make sure his family's death and his survival makes sense. Once you've got the key elements worked out, go ahead and find a way for him to interact with other characters. Make sure it feels natural. There is a good character in here somewhere, but he's lost under all the forced character interactions.

I know I'm pretty much asking you to completely rewrite your character's story, but if you really want to improve him, that's probably your best bet.

Oh, and as for you, Mister SwaggerDoughnut.
You got a good chuckle out of me.
 
Last edited:
Inspired by Skullgirls' animation concepts, I threw together some quick stuff for Mourningstar:

2qvyzp5.png

I also annotated the crap out of it because that's how I roll, son
 
There are 3 reasons for why I like Mourningstar.

1. She has a great pun name.

2. She has art and I love visual representation.

3. She's mean, people are so prone to making their character a perfect goody two shoes but you took the road less travelled, and I applaud you for it Zombie.
 
Skullgirls characters gotta have pun names, right? :P

Yeah the initial concept was that she'd be one of those annoying minor recurring villains who shows up at the worst possible time to make the good guys' lives miserable. I have trouble making genuinely nice characters - even when I try to, I always wind up twisting it somehow.
 
Oh man I can feel it, I can feel my inspiration rising! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO FOR MY NEXT CHARACTER! Expect detail on Wiglaf's level by this Sunday. Oh that reminds me, according to Alex Ahad's recent Q&A Rommelgrad is actually a city in an unnamed country. I'll have to adjust Wiglaf's story to suit this new canon information.
 
Denizen said:
Oh man I can feel it, I can feel my inspiration rising! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO FOR MY NEXT CHARACTER! Expect detail on Wiglaf's level by this Sunday. Oh that reminds me, according to Alex Ahad's recent Q&A Rommelgrad is actually a city in an unnamed country. I'll have to adjust Wiglaf's story to suit this new canon information.
Aw man! I missed the Q&A?! Anyone know where I can find this new info? This is exciting stuff!

And if you're that excited about your next character, I can only expect it to blow my mind! Can't wait to see it.
my_body_is_ready.png
 
Bucky Barkley said:
I can only expect it to blow my mind! Can't wait to see it.
You're enthusiasm is flattering but misdirected. No matter how detailed or well written my character is, it pales in comparison to any character that is represented in an image. If only I could draw! Why did God see fit to curse me with hands that destroy rather than bless me with hands that create?

*Firebender Thoughts*
 
Thanks but I'm not going to try and be something I'm not, and if I know one thing it's that I'm not an artist.
 
Pockets
A human with a little bit of Gigan in him, Gary Burberry was born in a city that is now a part of No Man's Land. Before the war, though, it was a lively place and filled with beautiful colors and music. It was a bright and vibrant city, famous for its artists and culinary delights, and a popular travel destination. But for every naive traveler, there's a dozen swindlers and pickpockets just waiting to cheat them out of their valuables. Gary, being a bit of a troublemaker, got caught up in these schemes early in life. It's not that he had a hard life. He just really liked the thrill of it. As he got older, he would get roped into bigger schemes, and picked up several sneaky skills. He also learned how to tell at a glance where a person was from and how much money they probably had. For years, he cheated and robbed people blind, but that all changed when someone finally managed to steal from him.

He wasn't expecting it at all. It was his 16th birthday and he and a group of his friends were going to celebrate by robbing a traveling art exhibit blind. So as night fell, they snuck into the convention center hosting the exhibit and each went along their planned routes. Gary made his way to his target area, a large room that held the collection of some famous artist going by the name of Henri. There were many paintings, each one surely worth a fortune. As he reached for his first painting, something stopped him. He wasn't sure what it was, but something about the piece had captured him. It wasn't something he hadn't seen before, just a landscape painting of a river. But there was something in the way the shapes and colors moved, as if the painting were alive in front of him. A certain calm came over him, overpowering his fiery and mischievous soul. He looked at the other paintings, mostly consisting of realism pieces, and was struck by this sense of awe. He had lost himself in the brushstrokes of these masterworks. So lost, that he didn't even hear a person coming through the door.

"Are you supposed to be here?" said a voice.

Gary was startled! He had forgotten what he was there for and now he was caught! He turned to face this person, surely there to apprehend him. It was a young girl. Much shorter than him. He could probably talk his way out of this. He's talked his way out of worse. "I...Uh, yeah I....You see, miss....Hmm....... *sigh* No." Words had failed him. He had forgotten everything. All he knew was that he was in a bad spot.

After a few seconds, though it felt like an eternity to him, she spoke. "Well that's okay, neither am I. Not until tomorrow, at least. I'm Henrietta." She smiled and reached out her free hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Flushed with a sudden feeling of relief, Gary shook her hand and replied, "I'm Gary." Now that the panic had subsided he took a moment to look at her. She was a pretty young woman, couldn't have been taller than 5' 10". She had snow white hair and pointy ears. An elf, huh? He then noticed that she was holding something. "Why do you have a step stool?" he asked.

"Oh, right! I just finished a new painting and wanted to put it on display before the event opened, but I'm a bit too short to reach." she said looking down in embarrassment.

"Oh, I see. ... Wait, a painting? So you're..!"

"Henri, yep." She said, her smile returning to her face.

"Then these...?"

"Are all mine, yeah." She said with a slight chuckle. "Y'know, for an art enthusiast, you sure seem to know little about me. You ARE here to get an early look at the art, right?" she asked as she put the stool down.

"Y-yeah, I am! I-I just..."

"Thought that Henri would be a man?"

'Well that saves me an explanation!' Gary thought to himself. "Yeah."

She looked at him sternly. He thought he had made her mad, but then she broke out into a laugh. "Sorry! I just love to mess with people!" she said as she grabbed a painting that was resting against the wall nearby. "The expressions on peoples' faces when I do are so interesting. And expression is my life!" She was about to step up on the stool when she paused. "Hey, how 'bout you hang this? You look tall enough."

"Me?" Gary said, pointing to himself. "Okay." She handed him the painting and slid the step stool out of the way. He took it and reached as high as he could reach, being careful not to bump into the painting below it. He had to stretch a bit, but he managed to hang it. It was a somewhat strange sensation. He had spent his whole life taking, and here he was, putting something where it belonged.

He was about to take a moment to admire the piece when he heard the sounds of sirens blaring. His natural instincts kicked back in and he ran out of the room full speed, leaving Henrietta behind without a word. Unfortunately for him, there wasn't enough time to make an escape. The authorities had already expected someone to break into the exhibit and had everything locked down in no time at all. Gary had been caught! But before the police could cuff him, Henrietta came running over. "Excuse me, Officer, but he's with me."

"I'm sorry, miss, and you are?"

"Henrietta."

"Wait. Henrietta? As in..?"

"Yes, as in Henri. I'm sure you've heard the name. I have an exhibit here that is showing tomorrow. This young man is helping me make some last minute touches."

"Begging your pardon, miss, but then why, may I ask, was he trying to escape?"

"He may or may not be working for me 'officially', and my or may not 'officially' be allowed in here. But he is, in fact, with me, and if you insist on arresting the poor boy, well, I just might have to pack up my exhibit and leave."

"Hmm. Well we can't have that, now can we? If you say he's with you, I suppose I can let him go, but make sure he stays out of trouble!"

"Thank you, Officer. Please come back later. I would love to see you at the exhibit."

As the Officers left, Gary looked at Henri and asked, "Why did you help me?"

"Eh," she said with a shrug, "You helped me, so I helped you."

"I helped you hang a painting. That hardly seems like a fair trade."

"Are you kidding! I hate step stools. If you really feel like you owe me, why don't you just stick around. I'm sure this won't be the last time I need a painting hung."

How could he refuse! From that point on, Gary accompanied Henrietta all over the world as she painted and held exhibits. She gave him a place to stay, food to eat, and all she asked in return was for him to hang her pieces. It didn't take him long to realize, but she had stolen his heart. And 4 years after their meeting, they wed! Shortly after that, Henrietta gave birth to their son, Lawrence. They stopped traveling after Larry was born and spent 6 joyous years together. But then the war began and Henrietta's art stopped bringing in any money. As they we brought closer and closer to poverty, Gary decided that he would have to make money in the only way he knew how. So he began stealing again, but this time, instead of trinkets, he stole food and other necessities.

He stole from as many places as he could, including from the troops that would pass through their town. But unfortunately, he got caught stealing from some troops and was arrested. But in a strange twist of fate, they didn't imprison him. Instead, they decided they could use his skills. So for two years, the military used Gary to steal weapons and intel from their enemies. Then on his last job, his life changed forever.

It was a simple job. He had discovered the location of a deal that was going to go down between some enemy soldiers and some black market merchants. Knowing that there would be a wealth of powerful and dangerous contraband, the military sent Gary and a few soldiers to ambush them. The operation went rather smoothly. They arrived at the location before the enemy soldiers did. They watched the three merchants, three gigans dressed in trench coats until they arrived. As the deal was going down, Gary's group attacked. It was a quick and clean attack. Every man was down in a matter of seconds, including the merchants. Unfortunately, not all of them died immediately. As Gary was going through the loot, picking out what was valuable and what was not, one of the dying enemy soldiers pulled the pin on one of his grenades and threw it. The only thing Gary could do was shield himself with the corpse of one of the gigan merchants before the BOOM!

As the smoke and shrapnel settled, Gary found that he was the only survivor. But as he set the corpse aside, he realized that something was very different. The trench coat had come off the gigan and was stuck to him. He tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. Then it moved on its own, putting itself on Gary. It was a parasite! It needed a new host, and unfortunately for Gary, there was no one else around. Realizing that there was nothing he could do, he grabbed what little loot had survived and made his way back to his Superiors. They didn't take the news well and decided to stop using his services.

Now he and his family were back where they began, but now they had to face the prejudice that parasite hosts faced. Gary tried to make it work, though. It turned out that the parasite had a special ability that suited his skills rather well. The pockets of the coat turned out to be their own pocket dimensions, meaning he could put as much as he wanted in his pockets without weighing himself down. Once again, the mischievous spirit from his youth began to burn. Now instead of only stealing what was necessary, he stole anything and everything he could. Of course, living in what was essentially a warzone wasn't a good place to be. So with the help of a friend, he and his family escaped into the Canopy Kingdom.

But Gary didn't stay with his family for long. He decided to leave them to make a name for himself in the criminal underworld, much to their dismay. He succeeded, selling illegal contraband, stolen goods, and information. Nobody dared to cross him, not only because he was a valuable asset, but because of his parasite, he was basically a walking armory. He could pull any weapon out of his pockets at any time and since his parasite has eyes on the back, no one could sneak up on him. Because of this, he quickly became known as Pockets.

Once the war was over, Pockets spent a couple years traveling the No Mans Land, looting anything of value. Having acquired several objects of worth, he decided he should set up shop in a place in need of his particular talents. He decided that New Meridian would be an excellent location. The Mafia would undoubtedly appreciate his goods and intel, while competitors would come to him looking for an edge.
Pockets is a slimy criminal. He doesn't care at all about the people he cheats or does business with. All he is concerned with is making a deal. Though he does have a soft spot for art, and is known to give good deals to those that offer him quality pieces.
Likes: Valuable trinkets, art, business transactions
Dislikes: Grenades, deals falling through, undercover cops, rose bushes
Age: 42
Height: 6' 8"
Weight: 222 lbs
Skin Tone: White/Caucasian
Hair: Black, but is starting to gray. He frequently has hood-hair.
Eyes: Hazel
Features: Tall. His face is just starting to show his age. He has pointed teeth. He has small scars all over his body from all the cuts he got while sneaking around.
Physique: Muscular. He's always running from the law and does business with criminals, he's got to be in good shape.
He has a parasite named Trenches. It is a tan, hooded trench coat that reaches all the way to the ground. It has buttons up to the collar and has many pockets lining the inside of the coat. Each of these pockets contains its own pocket dimension, allowing the wearer to store almost an unlimited amount of items without being weighed down. It has two pairs of eyes on the hood. One pair is looking forward when the hood is worn, while the other pair is on the back. Trenches also has control of its own sleeves, effectively acting as another pair of arms. Pockets very rarely keeps his arms in these sleeves.

Since Trenches has fused to the back of his neck, Pockets must wear buttoned shirts. He wears a dark green flannel shirt with thin, black, vertical lines and a crimson tie. He wears nice black pants, held up by a belt, and black shoes. Basically, underneath his shady looking trench coat, lies a slimy businessman.
I'll get to this later.

Well, that's Pockets. I actually put some effort into his story, so I suppose criticism would be nice (seriously though, don't be afraid to rip it to shreds). And I'm kinda unsure of his nickname, so I might change it if I come up with something better (or if someone recommends something awesome). Thanks again for the template, Zen. Really helps keep a guy focused.
 
Last edited:
So Alex made the Chess Kingdom "Ye Olde nation" instead of speculated Russia or Persia. /throws ideas out the window and jumps
 
@Bucky Barkley recently started a conversation with me about creating a character for The Wulf Pack.
I worked with him to help his persona fit in this fictional organization, and I have to say it was actually a lot of fun.
I encourage anyone interested to do what Bucky has done, create a character or persona and start a conversation with me to see how they would fit in this group of freedom fighters. Who knows, if I like it enough I may even include them in the story I'll someday write.
 
Phish Food o3o said:
So Alex made the Chess Kingdom "Ye Olde nation" instead of speculated Russia or Persia. /throws ideas out the window and jumps
Don't jump! Repurpose your character to fit this new information! I recommend ditching the status as Ruler and instead make him an advisor or councilman, that will allow more room for you to adjust his character accordingly.

Come on man, don't abandon the Chess Wizard.
 
Phish Food o3o said:
So Alex made the Chess Kingdom "Ye Olde nation" instead of speculated Russia or Persia. /throws ideas out the window and jumps
Good thing it was only a ground-floor window. It would be a shame to let such a cool concept go to waste.
 
Bucky Barkley said:
All right, I'm back from the dead and I feel...meh?

Now, before I start, I would like remind you, Mister Funkermonster, that you asked me to look and give suggestions on how to help improve your character.
Remember, all I have said about your characters before, as well as here, is to try and give you an idea about what problems currently exist with them and maybe what you should do to fix them. I'm just going to be a little more blunt here. I know that you probably made these charcters for fun, and nothing is less fun that having problems with them thrown into your face. But that is what I'm going to do, so please know this going in.


Now, I could keep going, but I feel that it would be excessive. The point is, [Insert name]'s character and story have MAJOR problems. The biggest of which is that you are trying WAY too hard to tie him and other characters together. It's just not working here. I said this before, but you really need to make him his own character. At his core, he does have a defined character. He is an orphan who is hunting down the person who ordered to have his family killed. That's a fine character. Now you just need to build from here. Give him and his family some backstory and some interaction. You say he loves them, so have some moments where we see that. It'll make the loss of them have a much bigger impact. Have him get his parasite from somewhere other than an existing SG character. Make sure his family's death and his survival makes sense. Once you've got the key elements worked out, go ahead and find a way for him to interact with other characters. Make sure it feels natural. There is a good character in here somewhere, but he's lost under all the forced character interactions.

I know I'm pretty much asking you to completely rewrite your character's story, but if you really want to improve him, that's probably your best bet.

Guess there's no reasoning with you on this, huh? When I first read this comment o' yours, I was blown away by your critique and I initially gonna say, "Restart the story? No way!!" since it took forever to type it. But now, it just ocurred to me that I can restart it while still keeping the good parts (imo) and I can't argue too much with your logic (though I found and still find a lot of your questions to be minor, trivial nitpicks, no offense). I'm not exactly gonna completely rewrite it Oh well, I raise my surrender flag and restart my story, you win...
octopus_surrender_animation_by_i_can_be_violet_sky-d5b5hop.gif



But before I do: I'm gonna respond to another nitpick I found, in your very last paragraph:
The part with me showing moments of his family to make it have a bigger impact? Is it really that big of a deal? I don't think it is, I think that's just minor and not really that bad enough to ruin the story. His survival, also a menial nitpick and the reason it bothers you that much is beyond me. I actually did plan to tell that these parts where shown in flashbacks during his story mode, not before it since it wouldn't really too much then. I get what you mean and I don't disagree with you, but let's be honest: How much can it matter? In my view, I think it can't matter much, I think you exaggerated a little bit on this point (again, no offense). I will get around to that part, but its for another day, once I get his whole story down. I only agree with the part about him getting his friend from :FIL: (mostly because I thought it was awkward and a really weird scene), and I decided to remove that part of the story since I found it to be reaaaallly awkward (but :FIL: herself remains nonetheless, but fulfills a different role). And even that part felt rather trivial and unimportant. But then again, I made this OC before my other two and as mentioned before: the story was (and is) incomplete and work in progress , so of course I'm going to suck at it. Not every flower blooms instantly ya know.

With that out of the way: now it really begins: I can't think of a better name, but for now I'll just call him "Felix" (which is Roman for Lucky or Successful) in the meantime. And again, remember that this is work in progress so you still may not be impressed:
  • [insert name] finally has a name: Felix (Roman for Lucky or Successful)
  • Instead of being an offspring of Samson, Cassius has been changed to an Alien from Outer Space. He is also now considered the negative violent form; meant to display bad virtues and have a negative influence on Felix upon meeting him (persuading him to commit crimes, ignore the law, and other stuff), basically transforming him into a criminal and making him forget about his parents.
  • He also now has a 2nd alias known as Brutus, who is another being stuck in the same body as he is and is much more polite and honorable than he is; displaying good virtues and tries to influence Felix in a good way. The two often fight each other internally to take control of the body they share and bicker frequently, which causes others to think that they are both the same person/thing, just splitting personalities.
  • New inspiration (both gameplay and design): The Wisps from the Sonic the Hedgehog series from Colors to Lost World. Cassius/Brutus attaches himself (sometimes even goes inside of him) to Felix and grants him his powers from there; usually transforming into something else like a drill, frog, hot air balloon, etc.
  • Shyness has been removed from his personality, although Felix still hides himself from the outside world to avoid being relocated to an orphanage. Meeting Brutus and Cassius changes this and allows him to go out in public once again in a disguise, where no one (with few exceptions) can see him and his true identity.
  • Design is dark-skinned and based partly on Gerald from Hey Arnold! or Huey from The Boondocks, I just think it suits him better :)
  • Parasoul removed from Story entirely (not too late to change my mind though). If the two face each other though, she will still declare that he's not eligible enough to live on his own and will order the Egrets to relocate him to that orphanage if she wins.
  • Filia is kept in story, but gets a role change.
  • Has 2 Stories now instead of one, where Cassius and Brutus both argue with each other and try to influence Felix in their own ways, but he is caught in the middle and doesn't know who to listen to. His story mode is based on choice: whichever alien (chosen by the player) he sides with gets him a different set of opponents and ending, which what I do to make his story more unique.
  • Shockbrave's intro has her let him live, rather than mistakenly believing he's dead.
Basically the first part of the story is largely unchanged: His parents were killed by a goody-two-shoes celebrity and he doesn't know why, and he runs away from society into a dark forest where no one will ever find him (or at least so he thinks), deciding to hunt her down another day. The 2nd part, where he meets his new friends in that dark forest changes drastically: They stumble on Earth from leaving their home planet in search of a new home (their history is for another day too) that night and they encounter Felix, who was being attacked by a wild animal, A Moose (for building that brick house onto its territory) . Cassius wanted to ignore him and move on, but Brutus took over the body and denied him, refusing to let some (seemingly) innocent kid get attacked to death, and they help him fight off the moose. In exchange, they request that he lets them live with him as soon as he finishes his house, as a favor in return. They help him build the house and finish within a few months, and as he promised, let them stay with him.

Felix ends up appreciating their company and becomes heartfelt friends with his new extraterrestrial allies, and no longer felt so lonesome with their presence. They each try to convince him not to worry so much about the past and embrace what he has now, tough they each try to influence him in their own ways, still fighting each other:
  • Brutus, the good alien, tries to make Felix a better person and to make others happy, so that other people don't end up suffering similar fates he did. He pities Felix for the loss of his family, but often suggests that he get over it one day and embrace what he has now and come out of hiding, and he needs to go an orphanage some time. This doesn't mean he should completely forget about the incident, but don't let it affect him entirely. He basically tells Felix what he needs to hear and tries to appeal to his senses with reasoning, and hopes that their teamwork will be used for good. Nevertheless he supports Felix's idea of searching for the girl who murdered his family and encourages him to find her eventually.. as long as he isn't seeking revenge..
  • Cassius, the bad alien, basically tries to persuade him to become a criminal and just do whatever he wants, no rules or laws to stop him. He also pities Felix for the tragedy (though not as much) and also convinces him to forget about it eventually. Unlike Brutus though, he shows Felix the upsides of the incident and it is nowhere near as bad as he may have thought: with his parents gone, he is no longer under adult supervision and is basically free to do anything he wants without being bossed around, and finds the idea of hunting SB down to be purposeless. But he won't stop there,he wants his new friend to defy all rules and ignore the law, and often tricks him into doing whatever he wants, such as robbing banks and pinning the blame on someone else, and they never get caught ever.

Not finished right now, but can fix again later. I'm exhausted from all this typing. But if you still aren't impressed, all I can say is "Work in Progress" or "This is not even near complete" so bare with me this time plz. And I gotta be honest, I find this OC to be a lot harder to work on than the other two I made. You're welcome to give suggestions to help me out.
 
ReluctantZombie said:
Yeah I don't actually create fan characters a lot, but I think the key is to make a character who isn't defined by their relationships to canon characters. You obviously want some connection with the universe, but your character's gotta be able to stand on their own and tell their own story even if they didn't exist in that universe.

You'd also want to create some kind of plausible reason why we don't see the character in canon. What a lot of people do wrong is they make a character who's Ms. Fortune's brother or whatever and I'm just like "Well, why didn't we see him in the story? Why doesn't she ever mention him?"

Mourningstar's connections to the cast are loose (she was hired by the Labs to catch Painwheel), and she jumps in AFTER the events of story mode, because the story had no need for her before then. Hopefully it works! :P

Srry for double post but... I agree about the bolded part, but the rest of the stuff feels kinda.... exaggerated. To be honest, I don't think it really matters whether the character is defined by relationships with canon characters or not, at least not in a game like this.

Mourningstar's connections to the cast are loose (she was hired by the Labs to catch Painwheel), and she jumps in AFTER the events of story mode, because the story had no need for her before then.
I would agree if the story mode had an actual ending, but the truth is: it doesn't. While every character does have their own ending in each one's story, none of them are actually canon and the story continues to rage on anyway, and I really don't see how Mourningstar would have to be put after the events, considering how the game isn't even over. If the endings were canon:

  • Filia or Parasoul would've become the Skullgirl by now, since they wished from it and weren't exactly pure of heart (despite making selfless wishes). This also applies to Valentine, except she intentionally made herself the Skullgirl.
  • Ms. Fortune would be dead, since she was killed in Cerebella's story.
  • The Heart would be non-existent (at least for now..); since Peacock, Ms. Fortune, Painwheel, and Squigly destroyed it in their stories. There is no way they could've all destroyed it at the same time.
  • Undeniable Proof: Double would be the only one who's still alive, since she devours and kills practically everyone in her story.. including Marie.
So while a character should be able to narrate him/herself without having to be tied to the SG canon, I really don't think it would be wrong if they couldn't when the game is kinda endless. If the game did have an end, then what's the point of adding DLC characters who are still involved with the game's current setting like Big Band & Squigly? Eh? Eh? Plus in my opinion, the story already contains unnecessary characters in it, like Filia. Even though some people call her the "Ryu" of Skullgirls (or simply main protagonist), her own role in the story is generally minimal and other characters have way bigger roles than she does.

Wait until the story officially ends, and then we'll talk. :PUN:
 
I mean, I guess you can write a character who's really closely related to one of the canon characters, but it's really damn hard to do successfully. You gotta put the character through the wringer and make sure that there's absolutely nothing in the story that contradicts their existence. There's nothing stopping you from making Ms. Fortune's Brother or Something, but if you keep the association loose, less things can potentially go wrong.

I guess when you get down to it, yeah, Mourningstar doesn't NEED to come in after those events transpire, per se - all that really needs to happen is that Painwheel manages to subvert Brain Drain's control over her for a decent stretch of time, which she does do in three different story routes. Where exactly Mourningstar jumps in isn't really the point - the point is that she has a reason to exist in the universe (Being hired to recapture Painwheel) but she isn't really intruding on anything that hasn't already been established (Painwheel is hard to control and the Labs might not want to risk valuable personnel for such a dangerous task).

So basically: Give your character a role to play (preferably one that's not already there), make sure they hold up under close scutiny, and don't break canon. If somebody points out a contradiction and you gotta bend over backwards to explain it, that's a bad sign.

(...And, not to get too off-topic, but I gotta come to Filia's defense. She actually serves a very important purpose in the story - she's an audience surrogate. Giving her amnesia means that she's learning about the crazy world of Skullgirls at the same time we are, which makes it easy to identify with her and thus makes her well-suited for a protagonist role.

Admittedly, her story does get kind of marginalized in the game itself, and I think she would work better in a more elaborate story mode, or, like, a comic.hint hint But even in the roster, just the fact that she's a relatively "normal" character design (in comparison to the rest of the cast, anyway) helps add balance to the game. If every character design was as off-the-wall as Ms. Fortune or Double, then none of them would be.)
 
Funkermonster said:
Guess there's no reasoning with you on this, huh? When I first read this comment o' yours, I was blown away by your critique and I initially gonna say, "Restart the story? No way!!" since it took forever to type it. But now, it just ocurred to me that I can restart it while still keeping the good parts (imo) and I can't argue too much with your logic (though I found and still find a lot of your questions to be minor, trivial nitpicks, no offense).
None taken! I know that a good number of them are small, and every story is going to have little problems, no matter what. I was just pointing them out for the sake of pointing them out. But it's also a good thing to remember that while the big things define your character and story, the small things help us to connect and become invested in them.


Funkermonster said:
The part with me showing moments of his family to make it have a bigger impact? Is it really that big of a deal? I don't think it is, I think that's just minor and not really that bad enough to ruin the story. His survival, also a menial nitpick and the reason it bothers you that much is beyond me. I actually did plan to tell that these parts where shown in flashbacks during his story mode, not before it since it wouldn't really too much then. I get what you mean and I don't disagree with you, but let's be honest: How much can it matter? In my view, I think it can't matter much, I think you exaggerated a little bit on this point (again, no offense). I will get around to that part, but its for another day, once I get his whole story down.
Considering that his family's death is a key motivation for his story, yeah, it kinda is. The survival is also important. If everyone else is being killed, there should be a believable reason as to why he isn't. If you're going to go over this crucial part of his story, it should be able to keep us interested all the way through. This is a dramatic moment, and if it's unbelievable, forced, or rushed, all dramatic tension is lost, and so is our interest. That being said, it is sorta okay to glance over it early on if you do intend to talk about it in more detail later.

The changes for the most part seem pretty good. Cassius/Brutus being an alien makes more sense than being a parasite. You said that you would give them a history, but unless it's absolutely vital to the story, I don't think that it's needed. I still want a little more info on the toy brick stuff, though. Such as, where did Felix get enough bricks to build a whole house? Why build a house with toy bricks instead of just finding an empty cave? Again, nitpick, but, like I said earlier, this skill comes out of nowhere and is never looked at again. You should mention early in his backstory that he likes to build stuff with them and has done so for [insert time-period here]. Heck, maybe even have it so that the house was already built/under construction. Kinda like a clubhouse/hide-out, but it then became his place of residence after the loss of his family. It's a small thing, I know, but it's the small things that help make a story and character that much more believable.

Now I would like to make note that you are not just giving us Felix's backstory, but also what his story would be if he were in the game. There is nothing wrong with this, but it's a lot to write and present all at once. I would like to suggest writing them separately. Write his backstory first. Take time to fully establish his character. Let us know who he is and what his past was like. Then write how his family dies, his meeting with Cassius/Brutus, and his decision to find his family's killer. Once you have your character totally defined, you can try and write how his story-mode would go.

Also, for the sake of just creating a post describing your character, keep it relatively simple. With all the information you've been giving us throughout all your posts, it feels almost like you're building up a fanfic instead of just a character post! I realize that throughout this post I have said, "in the story," a lot. So a lot of what I'm saying is much more relevant if you are indeed writing a full-on story or fanfic, but isn't necessarily needed if you are just going to give us a brief description of your character. It is probably a good idea to decide whether you want to describe your character in a story driven manner (in which you will need details and should try to get us at least a little invested emotionally), or in a strictly informative manner (just the important details, no fluff).

Eh, but now I feel like I'm just talking in circles, not really going anywhere and probably being more confusing than helpful (Ugh, I'm trying way too hard). At the end of the day, it's all up to you as to how you are going to write and present this character. All I can do is wish you the best of luck!
 
Last edited:
OK.

Funker my advice to you is to read. Pick up a highly acclaimed work of fiction and read it, then find another and read that as well. Find as much great American literature as you can find and sit down and read all of it. That way you can learn what good characters and good writing looks like. I suggest starting with anything by Stephen King, preferably something spooky.

I'm not a good writer, never was and never will be. I'm just some guy making up stupid characters for a fighting game that I like, but at least I know what good writing looks like and I try to emulate that.
At least I can call myself average.

This is sincere advice from me to you. JUST. READ. MORE.
 
Bucky Barkley said:
None taken! I know that a good number of them are small, and every story is going to have little problems, no matter what. I was just pointing them out for the sake of pointing them out. But it's also a good thing to remember that while the big things define your character and story, the small things help us to connect and become invested in them.



Considering that his family's death is a key motivation for his story, yeah, it kinda is. The survival is also important. If everyone else is being killed, there should be a believable reason as to why he isn't. If you're going to go over this crucial part of his story, it should be able to keep us interested all the way through. This is a dramatic moment, and if it's unbelievable, forced, or rushed, all dramatic tension is lost, and so is our interest. That being said, it is sorta okay to glance over it early on if you do intend to talk about it in more detail later.

The changes for the most part seem pretty good. Cassius/Brutus being an alien makes more sense than being a parasite. You said that you would give them a history, but unless it's absolutely vital to the story, I don't think that it's needed. I still want a little more info on the toy brick stuff, though. Such as, where did Felix get enough bricks to build a whole house? Why build a house with toy bricks instead of just finding an empty cave? Again, nitpick, but, like I said earlier, this skill comes out of nowhere and is never looked at again. You should mention early in his backstory that he likes to build stuff with them and has done so for [insert time-period here]. Heck, maybe even have it so that the house was already built/under construction. Kinda like a clubhouse/hide-out, but it then became his place of residence after the loss of his family. It's a small thing, I know, but it's the small things that help make a story and character that much more believable.

Now I would like to make note that you are not just giving us Felix's backstory, but also what his story would be if he were in the game. There is nothing wrong with this, but it's a lot to write and present all at once. I would like to suggest writing them separately. Write his backstory first. Take time to fully establish his character. Let us know who he is and what his past was like. Then write how his family dies, his meeting with Cassius/Brutus, and his decision to find his family's killer. Once you have your character totally defined, you can try and write how his story-mode would go.

Also, for the sake of just creating a post describing your character, keep it relatively simple. With all the information you've been giving us throughout all your posts, it feels almost like you're building up a fanfic instead of just a character post! I realize that throughout this post I have said, "in the story," a lot. So a lot of what I'm saying is much more relevant if you are indeed writing a full-on story or fanfic, but isn't necessarily needed if you are just going to give us a brief description of your character. It is probably a good idea to decide whether you want to describe your character in a story driven matter (in which you will need details and should try to get us at least a little invested emotionally), or in a strictly informative matter (just the important details, no fluff).

Eh, but now I feel like I'm just talking in circles, not really going anywhere and probably being more confusing than helpful (Ugh, I'm trying way too hard). At the end of the day, it's all up to you as to how you are going to write and present this character. All I can do is wish you the best of luck!

1. Why he didn't he just find a cave? Simple:
  • He was in there during the middle of the night in a really dense forest, and night time is probably the worst time to be out in such a place, since a lot of animals are nocturnal and can be quite dangerous. He didn't have time to keep looking, he just tried to find a spot with enough room to build his home, its only a matter of time before a pack of wolves comes to try and eat him.
  • Animals may try to come to that cave he resides and take it from him if they didn't occupy it already, maybe even try to eat him in his sleep!
  • No door, and building a door for a cave with nothing but LEGO bricks can really hard to fit properly and it would all collapse immediately. This further supports the previous statement on the animals part, there wouldn't be a door to block them out and a bear would be free to devour him while he's sleeping.
  • The risk of a cave-in, there is a chance the cave would rumble like an avalanche and block its entrance/exit with rocks, which could either potentially kill Felix in the cave-in or trap him in that cave forever. If his LEGO house collapsed, he might still get injured from the impact of all those toys, but not enough to end his life or imprison him.
  • The hideout part? Pretty clever I admit, but why would he make one in a forest that is clearly imprinted with "Keep Out" signs and Police Lines when his Parents are still around? Not only would he still endanger his life (without Brutus/Cassius around to luckily save him that time), but would get in big trouble with his parents for going in there and being stubborn. With his parents gone, no one can put him in trouble (well, except for the authorities... if they can find him) and he technically has little choice when his real home is destroyed and he's hiding from the public.
And he gets all those bricks from having them since the age of 5, building tons of things with them that other people would have a real hard time doing, and keeps a collection of those models in his room like a museum or something. Basically a hobby for him like 10 years and he has like thousands of these things, and when SB destroyed his home, his own room was the only part of his house that she didn't destroy (but no one was inside it during that moment, so everyone still died), since the fire she started took a longer time to reach his room since she electrocuted the very front of his house (shocking anyone who ran outside to death, much to her own dismay). After deciding to move out, he was reluctant to do it, but destroyed his hard works of art and took them with him to build a home elsewhere, to combine them all and really put his skills to the test: combine them all into something even bigger. He has nothing else to use, so he just tries to make the most out of the resources he still has. He survives the event because at the time, he, himself, wasn't in the house. He was sent to go bring food and drinks to the party and didn't know what was going on until he came back, and was surprised to see a friendly celebrity set his house ablaze


2. Actually, I didn't tell about the in-game story in this recreation, the revision is entirely on the backstory (although I admit its pretty long for one). I did in the original version, but at your request I started over and only kept the part with him following Shockbrave into the Medici Tower. Everything else is gone.

Has 2 Stories now instead of one
This is really the only thing I did tell about his in-game story, and even then I didn't give specific details about this. I'm gonna tell only the outline or overview right now, the real story comes later:

Unlike everyone else, Felix's story is meant to be gimmicky and unique in this way: It starts out with Felix planning to returning to the public for the first time in months, and is eager to come out of hiding (sort of). He still has to hide his identity though, and doesn't know what he should do first. Cassius and Brutus both try to give ideas, but they both end up disagreeing and Felix can't really decide who has better ideas, prompting the two aliens to fight each other (both physically and verbally, though you can't see it since they fight inside the body they share, as if they were ghosts) and get the other to shut up. It's the player's choice to decide who wins that internal fight, and the choice you make will impact the rest of the story by making you play as Felix using only either Brutus or Cassius (never both in the same fight) and giving the trio a different set of characters to interact with and changes their dialogue:

  • If Cassius is selected, he defeats and injures Brutus in that internal ghost fight they had and makes him inactive for the majority of the time onwards. In this story, he convinces Felix to forget about the loss of his parents and to abandon the idea of chasing down Shockbrave (although if they do meet, he would be more than happy to help him get revenge), move on with his life! He persuades Felix to do naughty things tonight such as pick fights with others, rob banks, and commit other crimes just for fun; and he reluctantly agrees and goes along with it. After that though, he begins to actually have fun and thanks to Cassius, he doesn't miss his parents as much as he did in the past and is now quite content with his new life. In some ways, he's now kind of glad his parents are gone thanks to a lack of adult supervision, and continue their misdeeds for days on (despite Brutus' warnings, still injured). Some people think Cassius is crazy and provides a really bad influence on Felix, and the kid himself isn't the real bad guy, Cassius is. For that reason, they are in pursuit of the duo in an attempt to separate each other for good to end the madness. I'm not liking how I have it now, but I can fix it later.
  • If Brutus, then Cassius will be knocked out instead, and the story is mainly identical to the original (besides omitting Parasoul): track down SB and settle the score with her boss. This is going to be changed later also, and is still incomplete so bare w/ me on this one plz.
 
ReluctantZombie said:
(...And, not to get too off-topic, but I gotta come to Filia's defense. She actually serves a very important purpose in the story - she's an audience surrogate. Giving her amnesia means that she's learning about the crazy world of Skullgirls at the same time we are, which makes it easy to identify with her and thus makes her well-suited for a protagonist role.
Srry for another double post but....
Yeah..... I still disagree. While it is nice that you can still do this with her, it doesn't change the fact that other characters have bigger roles in the story than she does: Parasoul, Painwheel, Double, Valentine, and Marie; though admittedly the last three are more like antagonists rather than protagonists. Regardless, her role in the story remains minimal in comparison to them and if u play their stories, its not that hard to see why. While she is still my favorite character (but I thought her personality is kinda.. boring), I just don't feel that she is worthy of the title as the main character when her story role is outshined by other characters. The only reason I would consider her the games' main beeyotch is because she appears on the front cover of ads for the game in front of almost everyone, and to me, that feels like false advertising.

I honestly thought Parasoul is more deserving of the title and it would make more sense to consider her to the protagonist instead of Filia, and the reason why anyone would think otherwise is beyond me (besides the false advertising of course). But if you still think so, that's fine.

Oh and Bucky, I'd like to ask you a bit about your character, Pockets. A lot of these are nitpicks, but they still perplex me:

1. The part with that Henri being an elf? Wasn't your last character already one? Nothing wrong with it, but a human + an elf = ???

2. You know, you really should add dialogue between the characters after you're done with the backstory, not during it. I felt that it made the story a little too long.. and seems even longer than mine (probably because mine are all unfinished though). I do think u put a lot of effort making it though.

3. How can someone find all the stuff they use if they have so much in their pockets? Sure he might not be weighed down, but shouldn't it still be hard to find whatever weapon he wants through all that junk in his pockets (you did say he stole anything and everything he could)? It sounds like you basically turned him into a living junkyard!

4. This is probably just me misunderstanding you again, but You said he met Henri on his 16th birthday and he's already become 42 and his hair starts to gray after a couple of years?

5. You mean to tell me that after failing one mission and bringing back little loot, that the military already started abandoning his services? Unless he failed a number of other missions (which you didn't give alot of detail about), that sounds a little extreme. Kinda reminds me of da same criticism you gave me on [insert name]..

What perplexes me even more is the fact you said that after being fired, Pockets and his family immediately went back into povety already? You're either making it sound like they didn't pay him very much (or maybe not all), or he's big on spending money and ends up wasting it all very fast, no one should immediately go back into poverty just from that.

6. You also didn't give much detail about his life in the war in general, only saying that he served for two years. Was he considered an incompetent thief? How much was he paid? Did he actually enjoy doing it? Did he ever get to see his family from time to time?

7. This is purely me and not your fault but: What the hell is a Gigan? Is he related to the monster Gigan from the Godzilla franchise (which would make him part alien cyborg! :P)? I heard about it in Bewolf's story, but apart from the Godzilla monster, I have no idea what this is in SG.

8. About Henri again when the war came: You say he tried to get himself and his family out of poverty by robbing necessities and went back to doing it again later? She actually tolerated it? She did nothing to try and stop him? Would this influence his own son, providing a really bad influence by inspiring him to become a thief just like his dad and cheat others? Did Henrietta still paint pictures for him even without getting any money? Like one showing the misery he creates by cheating others?

9. You got his backstory, but no in-game story? I had the same curiosity with the first OC you made (forgot his name), the one who used that chameleon tongue thingie.

10. Can that parasite coat talk? Does it have a face or personality?

11. You said that Henrietta took him with her all over the world and gave him a place to stay and food to eat. Does she rent these 'places to stay' every time they travel elsewhere and have her paintings in that many museums? I found that part to be kind of odd tbh.

12. I think I understand (correct me if I'm wrong) how your character would fight if he were put into the game: but picking stuff out of his pockets and using a large variety of weapons when in combat? Kinda odd but I like the idea.. a LOT. I still like the Chameleon Tongue idea better, but this is pretty good too.

What I don't understand is why he fights, a character this sounds more like an NPC instead of a Playable character. Since there is no in-game story description and you didn't really give him any interaction with the canon besides the Mafia, which came at the very end and is kinda short. What exactly does he want with the Mafia or what do they want with him? And the same question applies to everyone else in SG too.

I also had the exact same problem with ur first OC with the chameleon tongue, the elf businessman who kept many secrets from everyone and held a private organization to help parasitic creatures find a new home where they won't be discriminated at; you didn't really give a specific reason on why he engaged in combat either. And keeping the parasite organization a secret, I'm not seein it. Unless you created an untold exterminator character who has a strong hatred for parasites (although I thought of doing it myself, but I should finish my other OCs before I deal with that one), why does that have to be a secret? Its not like its a crime or anything to do that, is it? Plus if its a secret, then how does news of it reach those parasites and the homes they are sent to? There a secret password or something?

I could go on and on, but I think the road should end here. I made it more excessive than it needs to be and I feel like I'm just causing confusion instead of helping, like you thought you did in ur latest response to me. I actually kinda like what you did with Pockets and I see a really good character in here (though I thought it would've been a bit cooler if you made it his son with the title instead of Gary). But while I was entertained from reading it, I thought that it began to fall a bit short near the end, particularly at this part
As the smoke and shrapnel settled, Gary found that he was the only survivor. But as he set the corpse aside, he realized that something was very different. The trench coat had come off the gigan and was stuck to him. He tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. Then it moved on its own, putting itself on Gary. It was a parasite! It needed a new host, and unfortunately for Gary, there was no one else around. Realizing that there was nothing he could do, he grabbed what little loot had survived and made his way back to his Superiors. They didn't take the news well and decided to stop using his services.

Personally, my favorite part was when he spent time with Henrietta after meeting each other in that art museum and they seemed so happy together, and I thought it was kinda adorable that they had a son and wed. But eventually you focused a little less on them and more on Gary, and I thought this part completely threw it all away:

But Gary didn't stay with his family for long. He decided to leave them to make a name for himself in the criminal underworld, much to their dismay. He succeeded, selling illegal contraband, stolen goods, and information. Nobody dared to cross him, not only because he was a valuable asset, but because of his parasite, he was basically a walking armory.
I like the idea of a parasite with infinite pockets, but the part with him abandoning his family to make himself a new name almost ruined the best part of the story, and it made it seem that you almost completely forgot you even added them in the first place (mostly Lawrence though). Good story overall, but I personally found that it gets a little less interesting when the ending comes near, and also lacking detail in why he's choosing to fight.
 
Funkermonster said:
  • He was in there during the middle of the night in a really dense forest, and night time is probably the worst time to be out in such a place, since a lot of animals are nocturnal and can be quite dangerous. He didn't have time to keep looking, he just tried to find a spot with enough room to build his home, its only a matter of time before a pack of wolves comes to try and eat him.
  • Animals may try to come to that cave he resides and take it from him if they didn't occupy it already, maybe even try to eat him in his sleep!
I'm sorry, but this is begging to be pointed out. He'll get eaten if he stays in a cave, but he can take 6 months to build a house without getting eaten? Where did he stay during that time? I've asked this question before. Twice! So now I'll ask again, how in the world did he avoid wild animals while he was building this new home?

  • The hideout part? Pretty clever I admit, but why would he make one in a forest that is clearly imprinted with "Keep Out" signs and Police Lines when his Parents are still around? Not only would he still endanger his life (without Brutus/Cassius around to luckily save him that time), but would get in big trouble with his parents for going in there and being stubborn. With his parents gone, no one can put him in trouble (well, except for the authorities... if they can find him) and he technically has little choice when his real home is destroyed and he's hiding from the public.
WHAT?! The whole forest is marked off with police tape and signs? Why? That seems like significant information. It also opens another hole in the story. You said earlier that he gets mail to his house. If this is the case, the mail carrier is breaking the law delivering the mail. Not only that, but that implies that people know that someone is illegally staying in the forest.

And he gets all those bricks from having them since the age of 5, building tons of things with them that other people would have a real hard time doing, and keeps a collection of those models in his room like a museum or something.

This is nice. A quick explanation at the beginning of the character description is all we need to believe that he would build a house out of the stuff.

Okay, that's the last I'm going to critique/nitpick this character here. If you want to continue our discussion, just send me a message. I don't like that we've spent more than a page discussing this. I'm sure people are sick of seeing it and it might even discourage people from posting characters (seeing as how I'm bringing up every inconsistency I can find). Also, I think that from now on, I'm just going to keep my critiques simple, if not just stop critiquing altogether. I just feel that I'm sucking the fun out of this thread, and that just sucks. It's really cool to see all the awesome and creative things people post here.
 
As much as I support Bucky's mission to expose bad writing, I have to agree that the never ending back and forth between you two is getting a little annoying.

Especially you Funker.
 
Funkermonster said:
Oh and Bucky, I'd like to ask you a bit about your character, Pockets. A lot of these are nitpicks, but they still perplex me:

1. The part with that Henri being an elf? Wasn't your last character already one? Nothing wrong with it, but a human + an elf = ???
-John Doering is only appearing as an elf. His actual race is unknown to the public.

2. You know, you really should add dialogue between the characters after you're done with the backstory, not during it. I felt that it made the story a little too long.. and seems even longer than mine (probably because mine are all unfinished though). I do think u put a lot of effort making it though.
-Yeah, I felt it was weird to have, but for a different reason. I thought it was strange because I used it there, but nowhere else. But I kept it because it did give Henri a little bit of a character, and that just seemed like a nice thing to have.

3. How can someone find all the stuff they use if they have so much in their pockets? Sure he might not be weighed down, but shouldn't it still be hard to find whatever weapon he wants through all that junk in his pockets (you did say he stole anything and everything he could)? It sounds like you basically turned him into a living junkyard!
-This is definitely a legit nitpick. The only thing I can come up with off the top of my head is that Trenches can read Pocket's mind and can move the desired object so that he can easily grab it.

4. This is probably just me misunderstanding you again, but You said he met Henri on his 16th birthday and he's already become 42 and his hair starts to gray after a couple of years?
-Yes, he met Henri when he was 16. The age and appearance are referring to the present, and, at present, he is 42.

5. You mean to tell me that after failing one mission and bringing back little loot, that the military already started abandoning his services? Unless he failed a number of other missions (which you didn't give alot of detail about), that sounds a little extreme. Kinda reminds me of da same criticism you gave me on [insert name]..
-I said they weren't pleased, but I didn't mention what they weren't pleased about. If you recall from my John Doering post, hosting a parasite is seen as taboo in the Skullgirl's Universe. This is why they decided to stop using his services.

What perplexes me even more is the fact you said that after being fired, Pockets and his family immediately went back into povety already? You're either making it sound like they didn't pay him very much (or maybe not all), or he's big on spending money and ends up wasting it all very fast, no one should immediately go back into poverty just from that.
-I never said that working for the military made them rich again. They were just getting what they needed (food, water, shelter, etc.). Therefore, he had to go back to stealing in order to get those things.

6. You also didn't give much detail about his life in the war in general, only saying that he served for two years. Was he considered an incompetent thief? How much was he paid? Did he actually enjoy doing it? Did he ever get to see his family from time to time?
-I really didn't see the need to go into detail here. It's a rough time in a rough place. That's really all there is to tell.

7. This is purely me and not your fault but: What the hell is a Gigan? Is he related to the monster Gigan from the Godzilla franchise (which would make him part alien cyborg! :P)? I heard about it in Bewolf's story, but apart from the Godzilla monster, I have no idea what this is in SG.
-They're basically a race of giants. Scythana is a half-gigan if I recall correctly.

8. About Henri again when the war came: You say he tried to get himself and his family out of poverty by robbing necessities and went back to doing it again later? She actually tolerated it? She did nothing to try and stop him? Would this influence his own son, providing a really bad influence by inspiring him to become a thief just like his dad and cheat others? Did Henrietta still paint pictures for him even without getting any money? Like one showing the misery he creates by cheating others?
-Who said his family knew he was stealing? As for the painting, it's hard to paint when you can't afford the materials for it.

9. You got his backstory, but no in-game story? I had the same curiosity with the first OC you made (forgot his name), the one who used that chameleon tongue thingie.
-I personally don't think it's important to write the characters into the in-game story. I can connect them to the story if I want. Pockets could go after the Skullheart because he could sell it for a fortune. But, eh, I don't think that he would really go for that. He's successful doing what he's doing and he does have something to lose. He's not going to take a huge unnecessary risk looking for it.

10. Can that parasite coat talk? Does it have a face or personality?
-Yes it can talk. I should probably add more info on him to the Personality section. Basically, Trenches is all business. He doesn't talk unless it's to warn Pockets about something dangerous.

11. You said that Henrietta took him with her all over the world and gave him a place to stay and food to eat. Does she rent these 'places to stay' every time they travel elsewhere and have her paintings in that many museums? I found that part to be kind of odd tbh.
-She travels around with her paintings and holds exhibits. The paintings go where she goes. And yeah, she rents places to stay.

12. I think I understand (correct me if I'm wrong) how your character would fight if he were put into the game: but picking stuff out of his pockets and using a large variety of weapons when in combat? Kinda odd but I like the idea.. a LOT. I still like the Chameleon Tongue idea better, but this is pretty good too.
-Yeah, that's how he fights. I'm also tossing around the idea that Trenches can use it's sleeves to hold and wield melee weapons.

What I don't understand is why he fights, a character this sounds more like an NPC instead of a Playable character. Since there is no in-game story description and you didn't really give him any interaction with the canon besides the Mafia, which came at the very end and is kinda short. What exactly does he want with the Mafia or what do they want with him? And the same question applies to everyone else in SG too.
-He doesn't fight. He has no place in the story and is more of an NPC. He's all business and only fights when someone crosses him. He's just a character that exists in the SG universe. The only character interaction I have for him is with John Doering and Bob. And another character, but I haven't finished her yet.

I also had the exact same problem with ur first OC with the chameleon tongue, the elf businessman who kept many secrets from everyone and held a private organization to help parasitic creatures find a new home where they won't be discriminated at; you didn't really give a specific reason on why he engaged in combat either. And keeping the parasite organization a secret, I'm not seein it. Unless you created an untold exterminator character who has a strong hatred for parasites (although I thought of doing it myself, but I should finish my other OCs before I deal with that one), why does that have to be a secret? Its not like its a crime or anything to do that, is it? Plus if its a secret, then how does news of it reach those parasites and the homes they are sent to? There a secret password or something?
-Again, he doesn't need to fight. He only fights when the situation calls for it, which is only when things go wrong, really wrong. He needs to keep his host helping a secret because it would hurt his public image and his business. And yes, there is a parasite hunter, I'll post her after I post Bob (and once she's completely finished). As for how parasite hosts hear about it, they don't. John finds them.

I could go on and on, but I think the road should end here. I made it more excessive than it needs to be and I feel like I'm just causing confusion instead of helping, like you thought you did in ur latest response to me. I actually kinda like what you did with Pockets and I see a really good character in here (though I thought it would've been a bit cooler if you made it his son with the title instead of Gary). But while I was entertained from reading it, I thought that it began to fall a bit short near the end, particularly at this part
-I guess I should ask, what exactly bothered you about his part?

Personally, my favorite part was when he spent time with Henrietta after meeting each other in that art museum and they seemed so happy together, and I thought it was kinda adorable that they had a son and wed. But eventually you focused a little less on them and more on Gary, and I thought this part completely threw it all away:
-I'm glad you liked that part. I was a little worried that it would come up short. And the story is supposed to move away from them. He did pretty much throw them away.

I like the idea of a parasite with infinite pockets, but the part with him abandoning his family to make himself a new name almost ruined the best part of the story, and it made it seem that you almost completely forgot you even added them in the first place (mostly Lawrence though). Good story overall, but I personally found that it gets a little less interesting when the ending comes near, and also lacking detail in why he's choosing to fight.
-Believe me, I didn't forget about Lawrence. In fact, the whole point of writing him getting married was to bring him into existence.

Thanks for taking the time to write all this as well as for the kind words. Hopefully I answered your questions.
 
Last edited:
As much I am not sure if I should ask this in the fan character thread or the head canon thread.

But I sort of have this concept of my OC Dalton, having a blood transfusion of blood of the Skullgirl. Kind of like how Carol is with the Skullgirl blood in her.

Would it be like a heart failure or a slowly time consuming death if not getting the blood cleaned out of him in time?
 
Last edited:
I don't know what the effects of having Skullgirl blood is, but I recommend not going that route, it's unoriginal.
 
I wouldn't say it's unoriginal. We've seen a girl get the transfusion, but what does it do to a boy? My guess, it would probably start to destroy the body immediately and extremely painfully. If he survives it, though, the possibilities could range from absolutely nothing (kinda like how men can't wish on the skullheart) to him actually being able to do something with the Skullheart. But really, I don't think we have any real information as to what would actually happen. You'll just have to make a judgement call and hope that canon doesn't destroy it.
 
It is unoriginal, the fact that he got the idea from Painwheel makes it unoriginal.

Besides I don't think it's a good idea, it just seems like an arbitrary addition to a story that doesn't need it.
Unless the character's identity revolves around the fact that he or she has Skullgirl blood, don't make it an attribute of the character.
 
Lab Zero injecting Skullgirl blood into a dude purely in the interest of science is a good subject for a what-if story, I think. You could do something cool with that. (Personally I think the results would be similar to mixing two incompatible blood types - blood clumping, involuntary muscle spasms, possible kidney failure, and probably some way more grisly stuff too considering it's Skullgirl blood. Basically nothing good would happen and it would likely be fatal.)

Be really careful, though. If you handle it poorly you'll start to verge into Mary Sue territory.
 
Denizen said:
It is unoriginal, the fact that he got the idea from Painwheel makes it unoriginal.
I wholeheartedly disagree. This is almost the same as saying Beowulf is unoriginal because they got the idea from the Epic. Originality has many different forms, including taking a previous idea and taking it in a different direction.

Denizen said:
Besides I don't think it's a good idea, it just seems like an arbitrary addition to a story that doesn't need it.
Unless the character's identity revolves around the fact that he or she has Skullgirl blood, don't make it an attribute of the character.
Light-Triforce said:
But due to getting caught in a whirlwind of events he must try to stop the Skullgirl before time runs out on him.
I don't think the Skullgirl blood is part of his back story, but a driving force for his ongoing story. I get the impression that Dalton is going to get the transfusion, but since it is slowly killing him, he has to find the Skullgirl and (probably) defeat her if he's going to have any chance of surviving. It's a tense and exciting situation! But that's just what I got out of his character description.
 
Bucky Barkley said:
This is almost the same as saying Beowulf is unoriginal because they got the idea from the Epic. Originality has many different forms, including taking a previous idea and taking it in a different direction.
It's not the same thing, Beowulf is based on an ancient myth, not an already existing character in the same universe. How do I put it, Alex Ahad has a certain type of creativity with his characters and stories that most people in this thread completely lack.
Bucky Barkley said:
It's a tense and exciting situation! But that's just what I got out of his character description.
This is unrelated, but I've been getting sick and tired of pretending to like what people have posted here just to protect their feelings. From now on if I think a character is awful, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
 
A lot of Skullgirls fan characters are seriously lacking in bizarreness. Skullgirls has a schoolgirl with a second face on the back of her head and a Baroness-looking princess with a living umbrella that shoots flames, and those are by far the most "normal" characters in the game.

If you wanna design a Skullgirls character, you gotta get crazy, man!
 
I don't think that's the problem, I think it's just a general lack of literary and artistic skill, or maybe a lack of effort. Anyone can come up with something completely bizarre, but if it's not done right it can be just as bad as what we've already seen.
 
Point. I do think that a character in this universe does need to have some kind of unique twist to their design, though - something that not everyone could think of. Like Hubrecht being so strong he doesn't realize he's hurting you, or Aeon literally having an hourglass figure.
 
Just throwing cool things together doesn't work, every aspect of a character needs to compliment each other and mesh together seamlessly in a meaningful way. Ms. Fortune is a perfect example of this. Anybody could have said "My character is a cat girl who was chopped into several pieces, but she survived and now she can remove her head to fight in two places at once and stretch her body with her exposed muscle fibers."
The way I said it makes her sound awful doesn't it? That's basically what I've been seeing from most people here.
Ms. Fortune, a play on the word Misfortune.
She's a famous thief. There's the Fortune.
She's a cat person who was part of a gang composed of fish people. Great contrast.
She and the Fishbone Gang went after the Life Gem, but they were killed by Black Dahlia. There's the Misfortune.
She swallowed the Life Gem and survived being chopped up, an allusion to the myth that cats have nine lives.
When she woke up she was at the bottom of the harbor alongside the now dead Fishbone Gang.

THE MAFIA KILLED HER AND SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.
:PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN::PUN:
Everything works! That's good writing right there!
 
Bob
Bob isn't special. He has no parasite, no living weapon, no special talents. He is just your basic, everyday human henchman. But no matter how simple he may be, there is no one John Doering trusts more than Bob.

Bob grew up alone on the streets of New Meridian. He did whatever he had to in order to survive. Most of the time, he was just a hired goon for small time criminals. Unfortunately, criminals aren't to be trusted and Bob would get paid very little, if anything at all! Life was hard for Bob. He would see people in other parts of the city who had stable lives, homes, and jobs, while all he had were shady employers and associates that could be arrested or killed at any time. He envied these people and wished that he could find some stability and some honesty in his life. But deep down, he knew that he could never be anything more than a common thug. It was all he knew! Still, he persevered and eventually got the attention of Pockets.

At this point in time, Pockets was just starting to set himself up in New Meridian and needed a few people to speed up the process. Under this new employer, Bob did jobs such as locating items of interest, gathering useful info, and even paying visits to people who tried to shortchange him. And much to Bob's surprise, Pockets actually paid him. Not only that, but he paid him well! But unfortunately, it didn't last long. Once Pockets had established himself, he found himself no longer needing the services of hired goons. But, as a favor to his most loyal and effective henchman, he set Bob up with a new employer.

Bob's new, and current, employer is John Doering. John owes Pockets some favors, so when he heard that John was looking to start an underground network, he "recommended" that he hire Bob. Fortunately, this worked out for the best and over the years, the two have become good friends. John is a good, but secretive employer, and Bob is a reliable henchman who can keep a secret. Not only that, but the stuff that John has him do actually ends up helping people! For the first time in his life, Bob has found himself feeling proud of his work, even if it is still a little bit shady at times.
Having grown up on the streets, Bob has developed a bit of a cynical and sarcastic attitude. But growing up around crooks has given him a deep appreciation for the few people who do show him loyalty and honor, even if they're deeds aren't totally on the level. Because of this, he is fiercely loyal to both John and Pockets (even though he doesn't really work for him anymore). He is a bit superstitious, and believes strongly in luck. He dislikes wearing fancy clothes. They make him feel that he's trying to look like something he isn't.
Likes: John Doering, Pockets, doing important jobs, cracking sarcastic jokes.

Dislikes: The authorities, being cheated, fancy clothes.
Age: 27
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 181 lbs
Skin Tone: White/Caucasian
Hair: Dark Brown
Eyes: Brown
Physique: Since he now mainly works gathering information, Bob has begun to gain a little weight. He's still got some muscle, but he is definitely getting a little chubby.
Bob likes to dress simply. He has a grey jacket and a white shirt he wears underneath. He wears loose, black trousers and shoes that are good for running. On top of all this he wears a tan trench coat he received from Pockets, though this coat only reaches to his knees and doesn't have a hood. He also wears an old, tan, wide-brimmed hat. He also keeps a pair of lucky brass knuckles on him for fighting (and luck).
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top